A Good Heart to Lean on

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1、A Good Heart to Lean on（1）

A Good Heart to Lean on

WhenIwasgrowingup,Iwasembarrassedtobeseenwithmyfather.Hewasseverelycrippledandveryshort,andwhenwewouldwalktogether,hishandonmyarmforbalance,peoplewouldstare.Iwouldinwardlysquirmattheun­wantedattention.Ifheevernoticedorwasbothered,heneverleton.

Itwasdifficulttocoordinateoursteps——hishalting,mineimpatient——andbecauseofthat,wedidn'tsaymuchaswewentalong.Butaswestartedout,healwayssaid,"Yousetthepace.Iwilltrytoadjusttoyou."

Ourusualwalkwastoorfromthesubway,whichwashowhegottowork.Hewenttoworksick,anddespitenastyweather.Healmostnevermissedaday,andwouldmakeittotheofficeevenifotherscouldnot.Amatterofpride.

Whensnoworicewasontheground,itwasimpossibleforhimtowalk,evenwithhelp.AtsuchtimesmysistersorIwouldpullhimthroughthestreetsofBrooklyn,NY,onachild'ssleightothesub­wayentrance.Oncethere,hewouldclingtothehandrailuntilhereachedthelowerstepsthatthewarmertunnelairkeptice-free.InManhattanthesubwaystationwasthebasementofhisofficebuilding,andhewouldnothavetogooutsideagainuntilwemethiminBrooklyn'onhiswayhome.

WhenIthinkofitnow,Imarvelathowmuchcourageitmusthavetakenforagrownmantosubjecthimselftosuchindignityandstress.Andathowhedidit——withoutbitternessorcomplaint.

Henevertalkedabouthimselfasanobjectofpity,nordidheshowanyenvyofthemorefortunateorable.Whathelookedforinotherswasa"goodheart",andifhefoundone,theownerwasgoodenoughforhim.

NowthatIamolder,Ibelievethatisaproperstandardbywhichtojudgepeople,eventhoughIstilldon'tknowpreciselywhata"goodheart"is.ButIknowthetimesIdon’thaveonemyself.

Unabletoengageinmanyactivities,myfatherstilltriedtoparticipateinsomeway.Whenalocalsandlotbaseballteamfounditself|withoutamanager,hekeptitgoing.HewasaknowledgeablebaseballfanandoftentookmetoEbbetsFieldtoseetheBrooklynDodgersplay.Helikedtogotodancesandparties,wherehecouldhaveagoodtimejustsittingandwatching.

Ononememorableoccasionafightbrokeoutatabeachparty,witheveryonepunchingandshoving.Hewasn'tcontenttositandwatch,buthecouldn'tstandunaidedonthesoftsand.Infrustrationhebegantoshout,"I'llfightanyonewhowilltitdownwithme!"

Nobodydid.Butthenextdaypeoplekiddedhimbysayingitwasthefirsttimeanyfighterwasurgedtotakeadiveevenbeforetheboutbegan.

Inowknowheparticipatedinsomethingsvicariouslythroughme,hisonlyson.WhenIplayedball(poorly),he"played"too.WhenIjoinedtheNavyhe"joined"too.AndwhenIcamehomeonleave,hesawtoitthat"Ivisitedhisoffice.Introducingme,hewasreallysaying,"Thisismyson,butitisalsome,andIcouldhavedonethis,too,ifthingshadbeendifferent."Thosewordswereneversaidaloud.

Hehasbeengonemanyyearsnow,butIthinkofhimoften.Iwonderifhesensedmyreluctancetobeseenwithhimduringourwalks.Ifhedid,IamsorryInevertoldhimhowsorryIwas,howunworthyIwas,howIregrettedit.IthinkofhimwhenIcomplainabouttrifles,whenIamenviousofanother'sgoodfortune,whenIdon'thavea"goodheart".

AtsuchtimesIputmyhandonhisarmtoregainmybalance,andsay,"Yousetthepace,Iwilltrytoadjusttoyou."

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